new blog

why start a new blog?
i'm not sure myself. i'm not sure why, but i feel very minimal motivation to write in my xanga.

maybe because it's a new year, a new beginning?

i want to record this last year in nyc in a special place - while i continue to answer these questions:

WHERE am i going?
WHO am i?
HOW will i get there?

the order seems a little messed up, but that's what came to mind when i was looking for a title - God probably has a better idea than i do...

i just realized something, though - i tend to think in terms of "destination" - that is, how can i get to the next place... but really - if i get to that place, it's just another pit stop on the way to somewhere else... it never ends... that is, until the END... maybe those questions should actually be:

WHERE am i?
WHO was i created to be?
HOW will i get there?

Lord, teach me to live in the here and now.

*************
Old xanga: http://www.xanga.com/FreeToBeMe817

Postings since July:

Sunday, July 09, 2006

"Ephemeral we come, everlasting we become."

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A New Stage... Hi Everyone! i realize it's been a long time since i've really written anything. it's been an interesting few months. so i graduated, said goodbye to cornell, and headed home for a while. that time was really relaxing, because i had no responsibilities, but it was also very stressful for the very same reason. i really don't like the feeling of not being settled, not having a "place." at the same time, because i was a nomad, i explored a lot of different things that i'd never done before. by the way, after a month and a half of hard searching, i bought a bike. i'll have to post a picture of it sometime - riding it is what i look forward to every day after work. :) almost right away i found myself back in the downward spiral that occurred in medical school. i can't help but internalize the stress, pain, frustration, everything-negative-about-the-hospitalize -- that's just the way i am. this past week was pretty bad... a young guy, 38, comes in with what turns out to be new diagnosis HIV and renal failure - he will be on dialysis for whatever remains of his life. another man, barely alive when i first met him two weeks ago, finally dies - as i was compressing his chest at the rate of 100/sec it felt so unreal - i felt my heart and body go numb. another woman - 72, NO medical problems, comes in because her belly has been getting big in the last two months and her skin has become "yellow and itchy." thursday we find out - she has a 4cm cancer in her gall bladder ducts. survival at 5 years: ~5%. through a number of different means, God reminded me: "in this world you WILL have trouble, but i give you my peace, that where I AM there YOU WILL ALSO BE." whoa... "that were I AM... YOU will ALSO BE." whenever i ask for God's presence, i ask that He come to me... but really, He wants me to come to Him! and where i work - a place where every day people face death, dying, disability... that is where Jesus' heart is! the sick, the lonely, the weak... He is there - and i'm coming to join Him. Thank you, Lord, for totally changing my perspective. I always felt so alone - like I was battling out there by myself, facing these things by myself - and then I was asking you to come join me in my alone-ness... but that's wrong! You're already there! I'm never alone, because You are already there! Lord, i won't be able to survive this year alone. i know i'm not - but i also know that i'm going to forget this Truth over and over again. help me, Lord, to walk with You daily. i'm so bad at it! You know me - i'm always trying to do 10 things at once, and then i end up doing none of them well... well, God, if i'm going to do one thing right each day - let it be that i'm walking with You - and please be patient with me.... I've also been convicted that i need to pray for my small group. i mean, really pray - with no strings, no expectation of being part of the solution. i want to love God's people as God does - what Daniel really strove for. :) help me, Jesus! :) Ok, i'm off to work. hope everyone is well - and if i owe you an email, i'm really really sorry. :)