yesterday i was struggling to draw an arterial blood gas on a patient; i missed on his left wrist (thankfully, he is pretty close to brain dead so he doesn't feel me prodding and poking at his arm). i was going for his right wrist when suddenly it occurred to me - why am i trying to do this on my own. "God help me!" i cried in my heart. Bam - i got the blood gas. praise Him!

i recently watched Capote with with Philip Seymour Hoffman - i found that i had a really hard time getting through the movie. it frustrated me that Truman Capote had so many different faces - in the party scene he was the loud, obnoxious, garrulous person. with his lover he was gentle - oddly, although he appeared more feminine, i think he had more of the male role in the relationship. with harper lee he was playful - almost flirtatious; i think with her he was the most open, most relaxed, and most receptive. with the townspeople he was sly, carefully picking his words to accomplish his purpose - although he was manipulative with them, i felt that at least the ramifications of his actions were harmless. however, his relationship with Perry... i know truman himself was conflicted about how he should truly feel about him. but in the end, he wasn't completely honest with perry - and it almost seems that perry was the most sane - if i dare use that word to describe that man - of them all.
i don't know where this entry is going. i guess in some ways we are all like capote - we all have many different faces, and that's just part of being a human being. but the ending of the story proves that things aren't all that simple - using perry brought him success, but it also tore capote's life apart and drove him to alcoholism.
in all, it was a really good movie about the human-ness of human nature. God help us, we are so so weak, and every fiber of our being needs Him so badly. Father, draw near to us. Come Lord Jesus! Holy Spirit - empower us to ask for what we cannot imagine, and witness what we dare to ask.

new blog

why start a new blog?
i'm not sure myself. i'm not sure why, but i feel very minimal motivation to write in my xanga.

maybe because it's a new year, a new beginning?

i want to record this last year in nyc in a special place - while i continue to answer these questions:

WHERE am i going?
WHO am i?
HOW will i get there?

the order seems a little messed up, but that's what came to mind when i was looking for a title - God probably has a better idea than i do...

i just realized something, though - i tend to think in terms of "destination" - that is, how can i get to the next place... but really - if i get to that place, it's just another pit stop on the way to somewhere else... it never ends... that is, until the END... maybe those questions should actually be:

WHERE am i?
WHO was i created to be?
HOW will i get there?

Lord, teach me to live in the here and now.

*************
Old xanga: http://www.xanga.com/FreeToBeMe817

Postings since July:

Sunday, July 09, 2006

"Ephemeral we come, everlasting we become."

Saturday, July 22, 2006

A New Stage... Hi Everyone! i realize it's been a long time since i've really written anything. it's been an interesting few months. so i graduated, said goodbye to cornell, and headed home for a while. that time was really relaxing, because i had no responsibilities, but it was also very stressful for the very same reason. i really don't like the feeling of not being settled, not having a "place." at the same time, because i was a nomad, i explored a lot of different things that i'd never done before. by the way, after a month and a half of hard searching, i bought a bike. i'll have to post a picture of it sometime - riding it is what i look forward to every day after work. :) almost right away i found myself back in the downward spiral that occurred in medical school. i can't help but internalize the stress, pain, frustration, everything-negative-about-the-hospitalize -- that's just the way i am. this past week was pretty bad... a young guy, 38, comes in with what turns out to be new diagnosis HIV and renal failure - he will be on dialysis for whatever remains of his life. another man, barely alive when i first met him two weeks ago, finally dies - as i was compressing his chest at the rate of 100/sec it felt so unreal - i felt my heart and body go numb. another woman - 72, NO medical problems, comes in because her belly has been getting big in the last two months and her skin has become "yellow and itchy." thursday we find out - she has a 4cm cancer in her gall bladder ducts. survival at 5 years: ~5%. through a number of different means, God reminded me: "in this world you WILL have trouble, but i give you my peace, that where I AM there YOU WILL ALSO BE." whoa... "that were I AM... YOU will ALSO BE." whenever i ask for God's presence, i ask that He come to me... but really, He wants me to come to Him! and where i work - a place where every day people face death, dying, disability... that is where Jesus' heart is! the sick, the lonely, the weak... He is there - and i'm coming to join Him. Thank you, Lord, for totally changing my perspective. I always felt so alone - like I was battling out there by myself, facing these things by myself - and then I was asking you to come join me in my alone-ness... but that's wrong! You're already there! I'm never alone, because You are already there! Lord, i won't be able to survive this year alone. i know i'm not - but i also know that i'm going to forget this Truth over and over again. help me, Lord, to walk with You daily. i'm so bad at it! You know me - i'm always trying to do 10 things at once, and then i end up doing none of them well... well, God, if i'm going to do one thing right each day - let it be that i'm walking with You - and please be patient with me.... I've also been convicted that i need to pray for my small group. i mean, really pray - with no strings, no expectation of being part of the solution. i want to love God's people as God does - what Daniel really strove for. :) help me, Jesus! :) Ok, i'm off to work. hope everyone is well - and if i owe you an email, i'm really really sorry. :)