when God makes me smile...

*laugh* you know, God moved the clouds to spend time with me on Wednesday? i was all psyched to have another day off of my derm elective, and so i planned out another long bike trip. i was all set to leave at 10AM, and had even packed my Bible to have a QT somewhere along the way (yah, right, like that was really going to happen!) and then, i got downstairs - and the clouds were really ominous. way in the distance (west) i saw a little blue, but i was heading east... so after much thought and looking up at the sky, i decided to stay. instead, i climbed onto my fire escape through my window (God's latest blessing to me - a little piece of the outdoors connected to my apartment! :) and had an awesome quiet time.... during which i watched the sky change from completely dark to almost completely clear... and also i felt like only 2 drops of liquid on my head the whole time. *laugh* thank you, Jesus! :)

this picture i took much later - when the clouds were already starting to shift. they really looked much more ominous than that at 10AM. i zoomed in on these clouds which were really to the east of me by then. the sky above me looked like this:

yup, i could see the clouds moving past me... and then by around 11:10AM or so:
at this point, i was like, "ok, God, i get it, i get it - You love me and want to spend time with me!" *laugh* i love it when He makes me smile... :)

BSF Lecture - 9/25/2006; Romans 1:18-32

God’s glory = the sum of all his attributes; we will discuss 2 of his attributes through Romans:

1. justice – wrath = revelation of justice (today)

2. love – grace = revelation of love

- God’s wrath is just, and it shows us our need for HIS grace

- God’s wrath != human anger

- human anger = thumos (Greek) = “in the heat of violence” (sudden flare)

- God’s wrath = orge (Greek) = “to grow ripe in something”, e.g. water building up behind a dam = suttle opposition arising out of CHARACTER à in God’s justice, it’s only right that He judge sin

à in God’s justice, it’s only right that He judge sin

- wrath != only an OT concept (it occurs 10x just in Romans, Jesus talks a lot about hell); God is immutable, unchanging. Wrath is hatred of sin/judgment on sin.

I. Revelation (v. 18-20)

- wrath “is being revealed”

- PRESENT tense – it’s happening NOW, it’s going on (vs. judgment DAY, which is in the future)

- “being” (versus “doing”) – permissive will, rather than ACTIVE will – it’s something that happens as a consequence of sin) – “sin is its own punishment” (Paige Brown)

- against:

- godlessness = without regard to God, marginalizing, ignoring

- wickendness = deliberate disobedience (supress the truth that God is just and WILL judge)

- these verses talk about general revelation – plain to see for EVERYONE (vs. special revelation – which you need to be told, i.e. the redemptive plan through Jesus)

#1 there is NO excuse for NOT knowing the TRUTH about GOD

- examine your motives for questioning God – are you suprresting the truth so you don’t have to confront Him as Creator?

- embarrassed about thte concept of wrath (for others)? – PRAY for those who don’t believe yet

II. Reasons (v. 21-23)

- glorify God = honor God as God-centered (vs. ME-centered); do I go to church to honor God or satisfy me? do I actively find ways to give thanks to God (show gratitude)?

- dishonor God = fail to give thanks to Him, disregard God’s grace to us

- thinking = future (worthless, trifle, because NOT ETERNAL)

- hearts darkened = void of spiritual wisdom – leads us AWAY from God

- idols – because we can’t understand the TRUE God, we sub with something we can understand/grasp

#2 when we reject God, we always substitute something else for Him (i.e. slavery to sin). Anything I make my God other than God Himself WILL destroy me!

III. Result (v. 24-32)

- present tense to God’s judgment – “gives them over” = natural consequences of actions (i.e., to be free from God)

1. sexual impurity – not acknowledge God who created sex à use sex for own purposes

2. shameful lusts – promiscuity, homosexuality

3. depraved mind – hardened to th epoin tof thinking right = wrong, and wrong = right

#3 Jesus Christ is our only hope. He alone can save us from God’s wrath

His salvation is free for us, but at great cost to God.

biking adventures...

woo hoo! i'm so in love with biking. on friday, i biked to the west side, and i went all the way down the hudson river bikeway. ;) this first picture is where i joined the trail - on the other side of the river there is new jersey. at this entryway there was a little pier, and i biked over onto it - where i enjoyed a beautiful view of the river and of one of the most amazing cities in the world. i
couldn't believe that i call this place home, and i was just in awe of the "grandness" of the buildings behind me. i prayed for the city - once i prayed with my friend and spiritual partner that God would make New York City a place known to the world as a "city of God." we had a lot of trouble having faith that this could actually happen at the time - and i still do, but i think God wants me to persist in asking, so i do. Lord, bring Revival!
as I walked away from the pier, i saw a rotting... something. at once point, perhaps that, too, had been a grand masterpiece. we are created in God's image, and we - that is, man - has the ability to create really magnificent things. however, it struck me as i stared at that thing that
when things with life - which God has created - die and rot, they have a power that a man-made object will never have - the power of life. a seed falls to the ground and dies - but from it a plant or even a tree can grow! a building falls and is destroyed, and then what? nothing. it's just a pile of rubble. o God, forgive my arrogance - for all the times i think i am so able, so skilled, so great. God, You give, and You take away. You, alone, are the giver of life. You, Lord, alone, are worthy of praise!
i biked and biked and biked and i ended up at the World Financial Center, where my friend works. we got to spend a very brief 10 minutes together, but i was so happy to see her - and to be able to see her in her work setting. thank You, Lord, for all the grace we share. :) God, we submit our dream to You - Lord, may it please You! :) then i went further down and went to the southern-most tip of manhattan. i took a picture there of the view (see the bottom-most picture below) - and headed straight for c-town, where i bought way too many groceries and biked back up to good old ues. :)

i love these bicycle stoplights. of course, i totally ignored them and just crossed the streets at my own will, but it's such a cute concept. :) i smiled everytime i passed by one!

i love manhattan. i never thought i'd say that, but i do. i'm really going to miss it next year...

i made it to the Southern-most tip of Manhattan! :)

*******

then this morning - well, it was supposed to have occasional thunderstorms throughout the day, but i looked outside and i wasn't convinced. plus, i just wanted to ride. so i got on my bike and went for a 3.5+ hour ride. i again went to the west side, but this time i headed north. i was determined to make it across the GW bridge - which, with some excess detours ;) i was able to find my way and complete my dream. i really also wanted to bike in the palisades national park, but i got to the other side of the bridge, and i biked up the road for a short distance - but then i thought, "this is crazy! i have no idea where i'm going, how long it's going to take to get there, etc. etc. i have no food, no lock for my bike, and only like 12 oz of water!" sooo, i turned back around. the view from the bridge was AMAZING, though. of course, i got off, and crazy me, i was determined to make it to the northernmost tip of the island. of course, as fate would have it, maybe about half-a-mile shy of the tip the bike path ends. i was intended to try and make it there anyway (there's a park which you have to do a little searching for), but i just followed all these arrow and signs and bike paths, and before i knew it, i was back on a different pathway - hooray! i biked and biked, and i thought, "what!? how could i only be at 145th? the GW bridge is in the high 170s!) yes, yes, somehow i followed the signs right onto the HARLEM river bikeway and was already heading home. thank God - He knew that i wasn't able to set limits for myself, so He did it for me. so i biked south, down into the park, and the along 5th ave all the way home. :) i got home around 11:45am. very hungry. and very tired. i'm beginning to believe that if i want to keep taking these long long trips i need to invest in some gloves and some biking clothes... ;)

i loved the bike path - it reminded me so much of the Charles River-walk back home in Boston.

the GW bridge - woo hoo! i took the North walkway because the South one was closed. yay - more reasons to go back again! :)

View of Manhattan from the GW bridge

View of the Palasaides National Park (NJ) from the GW bridge

YAY! :)

it's 1:32pm - i just finished this blog, and guess what? it's raining!!! ;) hee hee - Lord, You are TOO good to me... ;)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

last night, i fell asleep to this song - i am covered by the Holy Spirit! ;)

Great Light of the World (Bebo Norman)

Sometimes at night, I am afraid
I cover my eyes,cover my shame
So here in the dark, broken apart
Come with your light and fill up my heart

Oh great light of the world, fill up my soul
I'm half a man here
So come make me whole
Oh great light of the world, come to impart
The light of your grace
To fill up my heart

The wind of this world can push us around
Folding us up, backing us down
But here in the dark I'm not alone
So come with your strength and carry me home

Thanks!

God sent me this FFH song today - of all ways, through the NY public library system. It's called "Hide me in Your Heart" - it's exactly what I need. :)

The ocean is deep, the mountains so high
O Lord, You are the Master of wind of time
When I am afraid, Sweet Savior come close
To You, Merciful One, I lift up my song...

(So) Hide me in Your heart, O Lord,
Hold me in Your arms.
Still the wind, and calm the storm
Hide me in Your heart.

The sorrows they fill this valley so wide.
And I cannot help but wonder what's on the other side?
But I'll trust in You, my Shelter and Friend
You know that I need this comfort again...

(Bridge)
Now I come to You Jesus to look for the place
Where I first gazed upon Your face.
As I enter Your Presence, I realize Your grace,
And I find my rest in Your embrace.

lonely people and more...

this quote came at the end of yesterday's post (from Surprised by Joy):
"It is no doubt for my own good that I have been so generally prevented from leading it, for it is a life almost entirely selfish. Selfish, not self-centered: for in such a life my mind would be directed toward a thousand things, not one of which is myself. The distinction is not unimportant. One of the happiest men and most pleasant companions I have ever known was intensely selfish. On the other hand I have known people capable of real sacrifice whose lives were nevertheless a misery to themselves and to others, because self-concern and self-pity filled all their thoughts. Either condition will destroy the soul in the end."

I have been recently asking how someone who is so self-less (i.e. gives a lot of their time and material things) could feel so lonely... Lewis answers that question in these few sentences. I have known many such a person in my lifetime. I never quite know how to approach them. I feel that they need my energy and attention, but when I face them I see a black hole and abyss such that I stand far far away - so I don't get caught falling down into the swirling nothingness. Reading this helps me to understand them a little better... but how do I love them, Lord? It's difficult, because in some ways they are already so much like Jesus (i.e. giving of themselves). On the other hand, they are so self-absorbed, they can't fully see Jesus! Help me Lord, to turn them to You. Thank You, Father, that you love them beyond what they ask and imagine, and are exactly what they have been looking for for their entire lives.

"The one principle of hell is - 'I am my own.'" George MacDonald

"Where is your focus - how to survive the brokenness through the loopholes? Don't accept the lower standard is just the way it's going to be. Enter into Christ's story!"
"The closer you let someone in, the more they are able to shape your self-esteem."
~Rev. David Bisgrove, Marriage and Discipleship on July 16, 2006

Currently reading...

Surprised by Joy
by C.S. Lewis

I'm often tempted to think that someone as influential as Lewis never struggled, never doubted, never questioned. In truth, those like Lewis who have questioned have the strongest faith because they have struggled with God and found Him. This book records C.S. Lewis' journey to God, where he finds at the end, "The hardness of God is kinder than the softness of men," and that God relentlessly pursued His prodigal son throughout his early years.

I found the book a little slow at times, but I loved Lewis' starkness and honesty about his feelings. He is a mixture of romanticism and logic, as he reveals not only through his anecdotes, but also through the very tone with which he writes. For those people who would like to know a little about the author who has influenced so many Christians in this past and present century, this book is a little window into his life. Lewis writes, "I now know that the [conversion] experience, considered as a state of my own mind, had never had the kind of importance I once gave it. It was valuable only as a pointer to something other and outer." As with all his books, Lewis points his reader to the Almighty who gives salvation freely.

Mild warning: a dictionary may be required - sometimes I would look up 2 or 3 words on a page, but then no words for 20-30 pages... ;)

Some excerpts:
"Grief in childhood is complicated with many other miseries. I was taken into the bedroom where my mother lay dead; as they said, 'to see her,; in reality, as I at once knew, 'to see it.' There was nothing that a grown-up would call disfigurement - except for that total disfigurement which is death itself. Grief was overwhelmed in terror."
"One reason why the Enemy found this so easy was that, without knowing it, I was already desperately anxious to get rid of my relition; and that for a reason worth recording. By a sheer mistake - and I still believe it to have been an honest mistake - in spiritual technique I had rendered my private practice of that religion a quite intolerable burden."
"These were symptoms of something more all-pervasive, something which, in the long run, did most harm to the boys who succeeded best at school and were happiest there. Spiritually speaking, the deadly thing was that school life was a life almost wholly dominated by the social struggle; to get on, to arrive, or, having reached the top, to remain there, was the absorbing preoccupation."
"I was at this time living, like so many Atheists or Anti-theists, in a whirl of contradictions. I maintained that God did not exist. I was also very angry with God for not existing. I was equally angry with Him for creating a world."
"It is no doubt for my own good that I have been so generally prevented from leading it, for it is a life almost entirely selfish. Selfish, not self-centered: for in such a life my mind would be directed toward a thousand things, not one of which is myself. The distinction is not unimportant. One of the happiest men and most pleasant companions I have ever known was intensely selfish. On the other hand I have known people capable of real sacrifice whose lives were nevertheless a misery to themselves and to others, because self-concern and self-pity filled all their thoughts. Either condition will destroy the soul in the end."

old post...

here's an entry i wrote on my computer one day last month and never posted. by the way - i make it sound like everything I experience is awful - and that is hardly the case. there are many happy stories. one patient - a friend, really - walked out of the hospital after a 6 week stay. he came in with newly diagnosed AIDS and renal failure. he walked out with a smile. another lady who befriended me - a women in her 40s who gave me a rose from her collection of flowers every day to wear in my white coat. she always took the time to ask me how I was doing - and she really meant it. :) and many many more. plus there's the really awesome nursing and admin staff who give me hugs and snacks, and who told me over and over again (esp in the beginning) - "don't worry, you'll make it! :)" i guess it's just that i use this blog as an opportunity to process my thoughts out loud - so you tend to hear about the bad stuff. but really, my job runs the gamut of joy and ow-ies every day....

****

Saturday night, on call. It’s about 9pm – my co-intern and I have just finished dinner. A yummy wrap and smoothie – at a great little shop which I reserve as my “treat” for weekend call nights. I don’t even remember what we were talking about – something about where he went to college, I think. With a bang the lounge door flies open – and the resident on call throws down his bag, mumbles, and runs out again. Both of us watch the door slam and stare. “Did he say there’s a code?”

“I think so, and he’s running,” my cointern replied.

We both run into the hallway, and look towards the room with the 50 y.o. female, recently diagnosed metastatic pancreatic cancer… and we both began to run.

The next 15 minutes were a blur. Chest compressions, central lines, Epi, monitor, rhythm check. “Bag the patient!” “Get out of the way!” “This is going to be over soon…”

And it was. While helping to clean up I heard the wail of a loving husband. The sound came from deep within his chest and filled the entire hallway with his grief. Just then, another woman – the deceased’s sister, and a young, 13 year old boy come running over. “Is she dead?” he screams, over and over. The broken father tries to comfort his son, but he is barely able to speak. “Please don’t run away,” he cries as he hugs his son to his chest.

“No, this is not life, this is a nightmare. I’m going to wake up and everything is going to be ok,” the boy begins to repeat, over and over again. “Give me a knife and a phone book. I NEED and knife and a phone book.”

I walked away – I could not share this family’s grief with them. I am too fragile.

On my birthday I finally got to see Mamma Mia with my parents. We had been waiting for months and finally got tickets at TKTS. yay! :)









Judy came to visit from Northern California. On our first day we ate 2 meals and 5 snacks (hee hee :) in about 16 hours. The next day we had the Restaurant Week menu at a French Bistro - Cafe Boulead. :)





We (Jack, Tara, Tara's mom Connie, Angie, Carl, Me) went to the US Open on Sept 4...


We saw Williams vs *Maurasmo




<-- Angie having a heart-to-heart with Agassi












*Hewitt vs. Gasquet - the match went until 1AM! Only Jack and I stayed until the end - and we moved all the way to the bottom of the stadium - Courtside seats! :)

it's very late...

or early, rather. it's 3:40AM now in the ED - finally i can sit down and just relax. i like the ED - i learn a lot, feel like i'm actually helping people - because most of the people are relatively healthy, and i can send them home with a big bandaid, a prescription, and/or instructions to follow-up with their PMD. i'm also learning a lot. more than anything else i want to make sure i can answer curbside questions from my friends in the future...

i've been wondering lately if i'll miss patient contact. i do enjoy talking with patients - but again, is it because they'r patients, or is it just because they're people? honestly, it feels good to be called dr. and to make people feel better... but the lifestyle of the ed - esp switching often between nights and days - would be horrible for me. last night was really bad - the first night overnight always is. the 2nd is fine - so if i had to do nights all the time i'd be ok - except for the fact that i'd never see anyone! i basically slept the whole "day" away today... argh, i dunno. well, at least it's already decided, and all i have to do is keep moving forward. and if i really do hate radiology - which i doubt i will - then i can always switch out. it's never too late. maybe i should just find a rich husband... heh heh... God...? ;)

i've also been thinking how fragile human relationships are... God, should i go on this retreat with the sunday service ministries? i'm actually kind of tired of expanding the number of people that i know... that's also why i feel weary when i think about going back to boston - starting my social life over... *sigh* i just got used to living in nyc! oh well, what can i do. again, i'm glad it's decided - one of those "i-know-it's-the-right-thing-but-i-still-perseverate" things...

i'm hungry again... i wonder when hot and crusty makes their muffins... ;)